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英语笑话

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  • The Raise

    加薪

    Employee : I've been here for 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.

    员工:我在这里 11 年了,做三个人的工作,却只拿一个人的薪水。现在我要求加薪。

    Boss : Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.

    老板:嗯,我不能给你加薪,但如果你能告诉我其他两个人是谁,我会开除他们。

  • 某人刻苦学习英语,终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞, 忙说:I am sorry. 老外应道:I am sorry too. 某人听后又道:I am sorry three. 老外不解,问:What are you sorry for? 某人无奈,道:I am sorry five.

  • Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

    Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

    Stan: In the bathroom 。

    Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

    Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

    斯丹:我赢了 92 条金鱼。

    弗雷德:你想在哪儿养它们?

    斯丹:浴室。

    弗雷德:但是你想洗澡时怎么办?

    斯丹:蒙住它们的眼睛!

  • Bring me the winner 

    -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. 

    -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. 

    -- Well, bring me the winner then. 

    给我那个打赢的吧 

    -- 服务员, 

    这个龙虾只有一只爪。 

    -- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。 

    -- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。

  • Woman A told Woman B, 'I have the perfect son'.

    甲对乙说,“我有一个完美的儿子。”

    Woman B asked, 'Does he smoke?'

    乙问,“他抽烟吗?”

    Woman A answered, 'No, he doesn't'.

    甲回答说,“不,他不抽烟。”

    Woman B: 'Does he drink whiskey?'

    乙:“他喝酒吗?”

    Woman A: 'No, he doesn't'.

    甲:“不,他不喝酒。”

    Woman B: 'Does he ever come home late?'

    乙:“他回家晚吗?”

    Woman A: 'No, he doesn't'.

    甲:“不,不晚。”

    Woman B: 'I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?'

    乙:“我想你的儿子真的完美的儿子。他多大了?”

    Woman A: "He will be six months old next Wednesday'.

    甲:“下周三就六个月了。”

  • A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

    大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道,“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”,警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱,直到长官回来。“但是,警察,我……”。“我说过了保持安静,你要到监狱了。”几小时后,警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好,因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。

  • I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet pision for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges,delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"

    我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了,有一天我接到一位客户的电话,她的问题我没办法解决。她的问题是:打印机不能打出来黄色,但是其它颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷,因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装,但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们,他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉,我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们,这时候她平静地说了一句:“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”

  • The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.  

    One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?" 

    The wife said, "You may select the dish today."   

    The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"   

    "Cabbage."   

    "The others?"   

    "None."   

    "Then how to select?"   

    "Eat or not eat!" the wife said.

    丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。   

    一天,丈夫回到家,问妻子:“亲爱的,今天我们吃啥菜?”   

    妻子回答:“今天你可以选择。” 丈夫感到非常高兴,又问:“都有哪些菜呢?”   

    “炒白菜。”   

    “还有呢?”   

    “没了。”   

    “那你要我怎么选呢?”   

    “吃还是不吃!”妻子一本正经地说道。

  • After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

    和盲约对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说:“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地!”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了!”

  • Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

    "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

    "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

    The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

    兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

    “看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!”

    “是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”

    哥哥想了会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”

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